new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
