I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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