I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
