I love black thongs
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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