Pappa wants mamma naked
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
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