Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
