dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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