Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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