I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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