just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
