My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
