sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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