I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Green mimosas i think yes
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
