The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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