you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize