All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
