I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
