Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
