You work out of a Hotel?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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