tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
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