she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
