god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize
