There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
i need some magic done to my vagina
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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