Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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