I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
