the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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