his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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