I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
