Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Randomize
