I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
