true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
