HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
