i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
