That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
