you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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