I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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