it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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