I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
