Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
