Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
