Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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