my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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