I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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