he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
