Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
