Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
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