when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize