The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
