Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
