At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
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