The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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