i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
