I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize