you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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