Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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